I'm very thankful that season's change! In my last journal entry, I was really struggling with my emotions. However, today, God has set me free! He is transforming me into His image...for real! I've been crying out to Jesus and begging Him to change me. I even started complaining, because I didn't see any change =( But God is good at All times!
One night, I prayed that God would transform me into His image and that I will become the woman that He wants me to be. I feel like I've been climbing the same mountain on my own strength. I thought I was relying on God...but I wasn't. That night I surrendered everything to Him...again! But this time it was different...
How was it different? Well, I woke up with a strange accent. I'm from Hawaii, everyone knew I came from Hawaii, because of my Pidgin(hawaiian slang). However, the very next morning, I woke up with a Southern accent. It wasn't prominent at first, but as the days past, my accent got stronger and stronger. Now, it sounds like I have lived in the South for years. This southern accent has become so strong that people around be can't help but notice.
I am trusting that God knows what He is doing! I really sense that He is transforming me...I'm finally changing...YaY! I can't explain the Southern accent, but I can tell you that I love Jesus and I'm excited for what He has in store for my family and I.
Praising Jesus! Thanking Him for all that He is doing in my life!
I grew up in Hawaii where the seasons do not change. It's either rainy or sunny, that's the seasons in Hawaii. I moved to Las Vegas on a cool November day in 2006. I remember feeling the chill in the air, seeing the snow on the mountains and enjoying the beautiful landscape of the desert. The smell of the crisp cold air was delightful...it smelled like Thanksgiving. Mmmm...the smell of pumpkin pie in the oven...mmmm...It was so nice to be in a different environment. It really was a breath of fresh air.
After my husband, the father of my son and step father of my daughter, took his life...we needed a change...Change is what we got! I loved feeling the cold air on my face...it made me feel alive! I also loved the smell of the pine cones...It was a smell of change!
We love Hawaii, and it will always be our home. However, under the circumstances, I wanted to leave my home and be free from the negativity of the ripple effect from my husbands suicide. I needed to protect my children and God needed to protect me from some very negative people.
Thankfully, in Las Vegas, I have an incredible family, who have loved my children and I during the most difficult time in our lives. Of course, I shouldn't forget the eX, who was there for me too. Oh... how I have made many mistakes in my life. One of those mistakes was trusting and loving someone who, would later shatter my heart and burn me to ashes(figuratively speaking).
If I could do it all over again, I would do it differently...But I can't! The permanent decision that my husband has made, scarred us for life! I need to make better choices for my family. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes! It's been 3 1/2 half years and I'm still going through the healing process. I'm still learning how to make better choices. I haven't mastered that yet. I hope I will learn how to make right decisions before I pass away.
It's very difficult for me to date or want to be in a NEW romantic relationship again. I know that men are very visual, I subconsciously overeat to keep the men away! Yes, I know, I have some issues. I need to work on loving Me! But I need to face my issues first in order to truly love me. Am I ready? I don't know...but what I need to do know is, rely on God! I need His strength and guidance to help us..
The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell[a] in the house of the LORD
Gosh, I haven't written in my journal in a while. It is not that, I didn't have anything to write about...I have been busy. My life is changing for the better...Yippy! I've been actively serving the Lord. There are many times, when I don't feel adequate to be doing the things that I'm doing....announcements twice a month, I lead a small group for women's ministry and just recently, I've committed to help the Pastor coordinate a ministry. I love serving the Lord and helping others. Yet, I realize that my spirit and flesh is constantly in battle and it drives me crazy sometimes!
My weakness is Ben! Gosh, when he calls, I just say Yes! He could ask me something really stupid and I will say Yes, to that too! I can't believe how weak I am when it comes to him. I get very frustrated at myself and want to self-destruct by eating everything in my kitchen...argh! I thought, I was finally over this dude...i thought...i thought...I thought. Obviously, I was WRONG!
I need God to literally stop me from being stupid...but He can't do that =( We are born with a free will...I need to start making healthy and right decisions. Decisions that will help me and not hurt me or my family. I really need God's strength and a miracle to endure, persevere, have self-control and be self-disciplined.
God is good! He always makes a way of escape...but, I don't always escape...I stay and allow myself to be tempted...Wrong decision!
I keep failing God's tests and it's driving me nuts...lol.
Okay, well, anyways....
Enough! I needed to vent...I need prayer to let go completely! I need God's strength!
I haven't written in the last 3 weeks...I've been busy taking care of my Grand-daughter. So, I wanted to update you on my life...
In my last post, I wrote that my daughter was going to Hawaii and she was taking her children with her. However, due to some unforeseen circumstances, my grand-daughter stayed home with me. At first, I was a little stressed, because I set my calender for January. However, I should know that when I make plans, they rarely work out in my favor. I really needed to trust that God knew what He was doing, because I have NO idea! Of course, with God being God, He worked everything out according to His plan and purpose.
I've had my grand daughter for 3 weeks and she has been the sunshine on my rainy days. I've managed to put her on a sleep schedule, and she is not as rebellious as she used to be. Mind you, my grand daughter is only 2 years old, but she is the most beautiful little girl that I know(of course I'm bias). I love when she sings, "Yes, Jesus loves me" without missing a tune.
I am a lot more active in my Church, which I love. However, my flesh still battles my spirit all the time! Since, I live in Vegas, there are temptation for the flesh everywhere! I love the night life of Vegas...I really need God's strength to conquer these temptations!
As for Ben, I still keep in contact with him. He has been a little more open about the women in his life. I do still love him...Neither of us have really moved on into other relationships. I am hoping he doesn't move on before me...I know, I sound very selfish, but it's just the way I feel.
Love is so complicated! Well, let me rephrase that...Love is simple, people make it complicated!
Today, I'm feeling a bit frustrated! My flesh wants to be satisfied with pleasure, but my spirit is saying NO! I know I need to make Jesus happy and live right in His eyes. I really need His strength to carry me through this season of life. I believe, God has new blessings for me, but I need to want it bad enough to change my ways for Christ.
Tomorrow, I will be going to a concert with Ben. He asked me to go with him and I said, "okay". I'm not expecting anything other than a great time at Hard Rock Hotel in LV!
All in all....I will continue to trust in Jesus no matter what happens! I know He will never leave me nor forsake me...I'm so grateful!
Well until next time...A hui hou!
I've been on a computer fast for about 3 weeks. I'm restricting my time on the computer...I'm limiting myself from my addiction...the internet.
Let me briefly update you on what's going on...
2009 has been a challenging year for me...a year of tests. I was never a great test taker. I was the student who needed to re-take my tests over and over, because it took me a while to "get it". With that being said, It took me an entire year for me to get over Ben. I failed test after test...I was frustrated with myself...I couldn't "get it"!
Until...December 30th, 2009. I finally got it! I finally let Ben go...He doesn't have a hold of my heart...Yippy! I'm absolutely ecstatic!
It's only 3 days in to the Year 2010, and there have been significant changes and blessings in my life. I always wanted to ride in a hot air balloon. I was blessed with a FREE balloon ride in Vegas....Yippy! God has also blessed me with some incredible women of God in my life. In Jan. I will be a leader in the Women's Bible Study, I'll also attend a Prophetic Conference, Attend a Pastor's wives gathering(I'm not a pastor's wife), doing the Church announcements and taking hula lessons. All of this could not have happened, if it wasn't for God's amazing grace, mercy, forgiveness and love. All of these have been answer to prayer. I've rested or been out of ministry for 4 years. I rested since my husband died...I soaked up God's Word and drew closer to Jesus.
As I read through the last paragraph, I saw a lot of "I" in the paragraph. I wanted to clarify, that I cannot and will not be able to do any of these things if it wasn't for my King...Jesus! He has set me free! He has redeemed me...I'm forever grateful! I wanted to share the great news with you! I'm so grateful for God's everlasting love, His faithfulness, even when I'm unfaithful to Him...He's still faithful! I'm honored to call Him my Lord and Savior.
Also, my daughter and grand children will be leaving to Hawaii this week. They will be only visiting...but staying for 3 weeks. I will miss them dearly. But I know God is in control...I will trust in God. My daughter, has grown closer to Jesus. My grand daughter loves to pray and sing Jesus loves me....Her smile lights up her face. My grandson has the longest eyelashes...he's a cutie! I wil miss them...but I know they will be back.
Hopefully, I will be back soon with another positve update. Until then...A hui hou(until we meet again).
Have you ever felt like you were taking 2 steps forward and one step backwards? That's exactly how I'm feeling!
I woke early Sunday morning, I knew I needed to watch my grand babies during the 8:30am service, while my daughter was in a hula meeting. My grand babies was great during the worship. Then they started to get a bit loud during the sermon, so I took the babies to the lobby where they could be their loud, happy, joyful selves.
While we were in the lobby, I got to spend a little time with one of my new friends. We were talking and I was so thankful that God has put me in a Church with people who are not afraid to connect on a deeper level.
My daughter finally got out of her meeting and we attended the 10:30 service together as a family. The sermon was about Hope. The question was, how can you give Hope, if you don't have it yourself? The Answer: Seek God...He is our Hope...Then give others Hope!
I was getting a little discouraged! I wanted to go on the computer and check on "someone". But every time I looked at the computer, I could see a note that read, "Shantelle..."Do Not Go On The Computer". An actual note was not there, but I could hear God saying No...not today! So, I tried to make myself busy. I watched t.v with the children and enjoyed the night. By 10:00pm, I was dozing off on the chair until...
The phone rings! I thought, "who in the world is that?" It was Ben! I answered the phone and said, "what's up?" He said, "I'm in the area can I stop by?" I said, "yeah, come by". I wasn't sure what he wanted, so I let him in and we were talking, watching t.v. and everything seemed okay. Until...He started to tell me that he missed me and he doesn't know why he left me...yada, yada, yada! I didn't want to believe him, because he has said these things before to me...his words didn't have substance. I also knew he wanted to go further with me and I wasn't giving in to him. I love him and I know I always will! But I need to believe that there is someone else out there for me. Someone who will love Jesus with all his mind, soul and heart first. Then love himself, so he can love me.
Do you need to forgive someone? Do you need God's forgiveness?
Kalana in the Hawaiian language means forgiveness.
Kalana is powerful!
Aloha Ke Akua(God is love),